Real Sex Lives: “Having no intimacy with her for 23 years is killing me.”

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Cortesy of Jill Hamilton

(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we’re re-running IBWMW’s all-time greatest Real Sex Lives stories.)

Today’s truth teller is crazy madly in love with his wife, but his wife is physical–and possibly emotionally–unable to have sex with him. And that’s pretty much been the story for the last 23 years.Where does that leave him? That’s what he’s trying to figure out.

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Ever hear of “vulvodynia”? Me neither until I read about it. It’s one of those woman-things that’s quite real but insurance companies don’t pay for diagnostics or treatment for whatever excuse they’re using on a given day. The scuttlebutt is it can take up to ten grand to find out. Then there’s not a whole that can be done about it. She doesn’t have an official diagnosis. But when you’ve been around Her for over a decade and you both know the exact nature of the problem, when you read the symptomology, it’s not rocket science, no matter what the insurance bastards have to say.

All those blissful billions of nerve endings sistas have, in Her they experience a massive malfunction when stimulated. Instead of pleasure, they send PAIN! to Her brain. And they don’t all agree with each other across the topography of Her magic places; up near the clitoris, they say PAIN!, along the outside of the labia 5 mm from the bottom they say YAHOO!, inside the all-powerful opening, they say everything from WTH? to PAIN! To YAHOO to JEEBUS WTF ARE YOU DOIN’?! So yeah, so much for the science lesson and now that we know the problem has a medical name, my husband-guilt goes into overdrive—I may NEED sex, most preferably with Her, but if it hurts Her, then “sex” just turns into the thing I have to “sacrifice”—or else I’m a selfish male asshole, isn’t that how it goes? Once sex is out of the equation, all the “other” problems that come with 23 years married and quarter century living with Her go into a slow nuclear burn.

 

She was the girl I “did the right thing” by… I was abstinent until our wedding night because that was how She wanted it and I wanted to be with Her more than any other girl I’d ever been around, let alone those I’d been with before Her. She rolls her eyes every time I say it, but it’s the authentic truth: I saw Her in her younger sister’s dorm room and that was it, no other female human being had any appeal to me whatsoever. It wasn’t my “other brain” that sang, it was the whole deal, head to toe, both brains included. I must have done something right that first night out because we began to see each other a lot, She drove five hours to see me, I moved to her town first chance I had so five hours was five minutes. I wrote her mammoth love letters, I wrote songs for her that my band played at gigs, I photographed the daylights out of her although she protested (a lot). We got married [too] young. Her mom wrote her a letter trying to talk her out of marrying a 23 year old musician/photographer/writer —“dreamer” was what her mom said, and I think “loser” was in there somewhere; thankfully FIL-to-be loved me. I was working-class like him but college educated and could spend hours under the hood of an old car with him and honestly have a great time. He’s quite possibly the most honourable guy I’ve ever met.

Then came the wedding night. She was the fourth virgin I’d been with out of a dozen others from the time I was fifteen (I know that makes me a high school and college boy-slut jerk, right?). The other three virgins, things worked out fine, I actually went and found out how to make those first times better than the way most women describe them—maybe they lied to me. I’ll never really know. She brought me with her to the “lady doc” and She did her homework assignments with me as prescribed. I did extra homework to make sure everything was going to go well, because I’d waited and She deserved nothing but my very best.

So we were both a little shocked after I came up grinnin’ like a fool from giving Her a nice and loud, jumping-all-over-the-damned-place-orgasm, when intercourse, after appropriate recovery and well-earned snuggling, was impossible and way more painful that it should have given all the conscientious preparation—in retrospect, we were both shattered. Unfortunately, we were too ashamed and scared to tell each other just how shattered we were— for the first decade or so that we were married. The honeymoon wasn’t the intimate emotional-physical-sexual discovery and bonding experience we’d planned. Instead, it was just another one of our many trips together, except that this trip was an emotional nightmare and we talked very little and we only tried to have sex one other time, again to failure and a lot of me apologizing for letting Her down. I was convinced it must be my fault.

Our marriage was publicly known to our friends and family as the model for “doing it right” but in private, in our bed, it was emotionally tortured and sexually just awful. In the first year, I kept trying to get her to take this all to her doctor. I was a fix-it guy, something doesn’t work you go fix it. In the meantime, you work around it. I had a vocabulary, I had some experience with a bunch of other fun things to do with two human bodies. I didn’t know what “vanilla” meant back then but I discovered She was a vanilla’s vanilla. Missionary only or nothing, well, almost nothing, She’d let me go down on Her, which I was all too eager to provide because all I wanted was to make Her happy. I couldn’t help but wonder it that was a response to our wedding night shocker or if She just really was “not into anything else” as She told me that first year. Over the first few years we tried to have sex and failed. Eventually, intercourse, as brief as possible and as an afterwards She endured, was possible. Bottom line, She refused to go see a doctor and refused to try any workaround. I just wanted her to be happy so I settled. That’s what a “good guy” does. I loved Her.

I was devastated but I loved Her. And it hurt even worse than Her body was (and is to this day at late forty-something) rockin’. It was like coming to the table every meal, every damned day, where the table is loaded with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne and never being allowed to even touch any of it, well, one strawberry, a couple times a year, and I had to down it quickly so it wouldn’t hurt her too much. That’s been our “sex life” for 23 years.

Somehow we managed to have two kids. We were stupid, thinking: well, maybe this will be something we can do right, in spite of the “problem.” Economics put me home as the Stay-At-Home-Dad. It was kinda “choice” for me, I had already bailed on my arts careers in favor of a desk job but the economy was tightening up around the millennium, both of us wanted to raise our own kids and, since we couldn’t afford daycare anyway even with both our jobs, I had the time so I downshifted. Ha! More like “shifted-sideways” because any SAH parent knows kids are never “down” even when they’re unconscious.

Now that our kids were a distraction from our intimacy crisis, our silence about the “problem” continued until I went back to college to finish whatever-degree-was-cheapest-and-fastest-to-finish and could get me back to an arts-based career (I was always a better artist than a paralegal), and when our eldest entered kindergarten. One day, out of the blue she tells me matter-of-factly, no tears or anything, our wedding night devastated her. “It was one more thing in my hard life that was hard. I always believed sex was going to be something easy, natural, organic I could count on to not be more work. But it wasn’t and it isn’t and I’m done with sex for good.”

I was devastated, hell, beyond shattered all over again. I felt numb, surely She didn’t mean it. After two kids, birthed the way evolution geared it, she still had a body that was rockin’. That table filled with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne I was not allowed to touch? Not even on the table anymore. I blamed her for waiting until she was married. I kicked myself for being stupid for breaking the Rule for Her that I established when I was still in high school: no moving forward with a girl without sexual compatibility being established. It was a socially unpopular Rule (one my fundamentalist parents would have freaked out over had they known) but it had always weeded out girlfriends who liked the idea of me more than me. Until Her. And here we were thirteen years married, I broke my Rule for Her and I was getting’ spanked for it (not even the fun kind).

I had a shitstorm to deal with because I was around younger twenty-somethings every day on campus and four different women (older twenty-somethings) made me an offer no man could refuse, except me. I was still head over heels in love with Her. I had thirteen years emotionally invested in Her and the last thing I wanted to do was complicate that—it was plenty complicated already, dammit—and I already knew Her shit; why would I want to have to learn to deal with another woman’s? And I kicked myself for it while simultaneously glad I still wanted Her more than those very appealing other women. I was noble, it’s what a “good guy” does, right?

Again, we didn’t talk about the “problem,” except for briefly when the vulvodynia discovery happened three years after She announced to me She was “done with sex for good.” All along I kept saying to myself, “Dude, don’t be a selfish asshole, it’s gotta be hell for Her, put yourself in Her shoes—if you imagined that your parts were fine then discovered on The Most Sexually Auspicious Occasion in Life that they didn’t, how badly would that suck? How guilty and ashamed would you feel that you were depriving your mate of the thing they always looked forward to and already had plenty of good experiences with?” Along with the self-recriminations and heart-driven motivation to Sacrifice for Her—because that’s really what it was always about for me, my whole life was oriented around this amazing, breathtaking woman who possessed my heart, even though She could never articulate why She said “yes” to me, why She loved me or much else in the intimacy department let alone sexually—I began to realize I really had some authentic needs that weren’t being met. Those unmet needs interfered with my career, my sense of myself as me, my sense of being worthwhile and valuable to another person; to Her I clearly was not. For me sex wasn’t, and still isn’t, about “gittin’ some” or an event-count, and it was so much deeper than fairy-tale romantic hoohah. Sex presents a vital affirmation on the deepest level that I, as a male human being was loved, desired, needed, wanted, important to the woman I wanted to be with. When I was having sex, I was young, sure. But I know how much taller I walked, how much “brighter” I was in my worldview and confidence. Women constantly underestimate the power they have with men. I don’t know why. Mom is the first and most important woman to a boy. When he becomes sexually active, the girl he’s having sex with becomes the next most important woman in his life. Why? Because women can do that to us. It’s just nature’s most authentic sexual truth.

After I was complaining about how I wasn’t getting published any more except in pissant non-paying literary journals, one of my mentors told me, very emphatically, “If you don’t have sex with your woman, if you cannot go into a hotel lobby and land any woman you desire right then and there, how the hell can you pitch your work and sell it?” I realized, well shit, this celibacy[-against-my-will] crap is definitely impacting my work now. I ain’t young anymore so the sell is even harder to buyers are wealthy confident young guys, often with either super model-type girlfriends or wives. I have to be twice as confident, twice as self-assured as they are, and let me tell you, those guys are pretty damned confident and self-assured. But I no longer am. For 23 years I’ve had no affirmation from a woman on the deepest level and that’s a long time for a guy like me to go with no emotional feedback from the person I adore and try like hell to give Her what She needs, including the supreme sacrifice from me.

I’d be pitching a story in front of a bunch of younger guys, rich guys, and here I’d be mister working class SAHD artistic creative guy trying to sell myself, my ability to spin a yarn over and over again, always be fresh and innovative, quality driven but with almost no self-esteem when it came to feeling worthwhile to other people. That I could still pitch demonstrated I had enough self-esteem to think I had something to offer, but I was the guy who couldn’t make his marriage to Her be intimate, let alone be rock solid and awesome. I was the guy who gained too much damned weight and had zero incentive from Her to lose it—I found out later stress is a major impediment to losing weight, and men need testosterone to be able to lose it and SAHDs apparently lose testosterone in the process. I was the guy who turned down other very appealing women who seemed to desire me enough to offer me a sexual relationship. I kind of wondered it they were just nuts or something because if She doesn’t want me why would they. I was getting gigs before I had begun to really think about this stuff and now I was getting “we’ll pass” all the damned time.

I’m not a buff, hairless, cut-no-body-fat-washboard-abs, six-foot something, wealthy guy that most women these days seem to want. I am debt-free (apparently that’s something), honest, passionate, honorable, and I give more than I take, always. She has always come first, then the Offspring, then me. The only time I move ahead in that priority sequence is when it’s directly related to my ability to put funds in the family bank account. And now, that’s become a sore spot for me. I know my economic shortcomings have to be a turnoff or at least an irritant for Her, despite her protestations that that doesn’t matter to her. Every other woman says it is. All I know is having no intimacy with Her—emotional and lately intellectual—let alone sexual, for 23 years is killing me. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can stand it. I am not dead, no matter what society puts on me as a mid-forty-something guy. And it’s heartbreaking because I still adore Her.

At my “advanced age” I don’t honestly think I would fare well in the attracting a partner let alone a mate—apparently over 40 and male=dead and asexual–because if you get an erection, especially upon seeing a woman under 40, that’s a bad thing, you’re a “dirty old man” (jeebus, the crap our culture buys into). I’ve been online in my darker more depressed moments at 3:00 a.m. on those dating websites, trying to figure out what women want in a guy. I’m nowhere near any of those descriptions put out there by women I find appealing. So much for a fix-it or a workaround. Besides the genuine bottom line I keep coming back to, and feeling so utterly stupid for feeling it, is I just want Her. I ache for Her.

Two days ago she told me, “I’m emotionally dead inside, except for being angry. I’m really angry.” She even tossed in a Probstian, “I got nothing for ya’” to assure me there was nothing I could do about it. Somewhere along the line this has to be my fault. 23 years of not being able to fix anything, not being allowed to try any sort of workaround. I have teenage kids, one with Aspergers, one who’s bipolar. I can’t just leave them. I’ve devoted the past sixteen years bonding and being deeply attached to them. Economically I’m not independent enough to make a go of it on my own. Sexually and physically, despite having lost 40 pounds (working on the final twenty) and having one of four jobs as a paid mid-level sports official (if you cannot keep up with under 21s you don’t get to work—I work), I’m so busted up and demoralized I’m not going to attract or gain a partner anyway. And I keep wanting Her. Just Her.

A female high school friend (yay Facebook, bane of my existence—it sucks to have three high school ex’s trying hard to get back the “one that got away.” Hell one named her kid after me—jeebus ) told me it’s completely unfair for a married woman to tell her husband unilaterally that she’s not going to have sex with him anymore (No, she’s not one of those three ex’s). I may have even read that in a blog comment somewhere too, so it must be a real thing. In principle, I agree with that. But my situation just isn’t that simple. She has a physically broken sweet-parts. She’s had a life of hard work where nothing comes easy. She has shattered expectations. I don’t know if She honestly loves me anymore; She still won’t tell me and She doesn’t say the three magic words anymore. I do hear a blistering critique of my flaws on a regular basis, often really unfair ones (my sixteen year old has begun to ask my why Mom is always riding me about stuff—I just don’t have an answer).

I do know her expectation of me is that I’ll stay with Her until She’s dead. She talks about us buying a place, where we’ll hole up together once neither of us can work anymore. It make me do a double-take every time; it confuses the hell out of me why She has no problem expecting me to continue to live with Her anger, her admitted emotional deadness, that she’s got nothin’ for me, when she knows how important intimacy and sex is for my very soul. How can I live with Her when there is nothing I can give Her?

I’ve tried to show my adoration, my affection for Her, my passion for Her above every other woman on the planet in every nonsexual way I can. I work my ass off doing anything that’ll pay (and I still pitch and pitch) in the toughest economy since the Depression to pull my weight. One of the two jobs that pays money regularly I get to put up with obnoxious fans, temperamental young players and far more often that people realize, threats of violence against me—I don’t care, I love the work too much. I dumped 40 pounds. I constantly and actively listen to Her go one for hours about how shitty Her life is. I’ve learned to clean the place up to Her standard despite two very challenging Offspring. I still do my damnedest to show her where my heart I with Her. I endure the unrequited love and the rejection from Her. I drive hard to be the very best Dad I can possibly be for the two kids I adore—if I read one more bullshit female author’s blog about how there’s nothing hotter than a good Dad (or a man who cleans), I’m going to explode because in my house that’s not the case. Nothing and no one is “hot,” except Her and She’s got nothing for me.

It’s galling, it’s living every day heartbroken, and feeling stupid for being unable to not be in love with Her. It’s so demoralizing that there’s nothing I can do to fix it or try a workaround, sexually or emotionally.

Everyone keeps telling me, leave her. I can’t. To quote a character in Juno (shudder), “the sun still shines out her ass” in my heart’s stupid foolhardy eyes. I feel alone. I am alone, married for 23 years to Her. And that truth is just too hard to take.

I used to have this recurring dream that started about a year after we started seeing each other. The two of us, old in our own place somewhere on the central coast, and we hosted big communal meals outside under the oak trees. It was our thing and we were happy. Five or six years ago that dream has been replaced with another recurring dream. In this one I’m alone, homeless “in a van down by the river” and I’m anything but happy. Damn, that’s just depressing. Somehow I can’t let that happen. But I really don’t know how to do that.

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(If you wish to undergo the terrifically cathartic process of ripping your soul out and plastering it all over the internet for everyone to gawk at, rip that motherfucker out and send it in to IBWMW at jillhamilton001@gmail.com.)

In bed with married women- Jill Hamilton

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Courtesy of Jill Hamilton

 

I was sprawled across my bed, utterly wrecked, one morning many years ago. I’d just had amazing phone sex with someone who, to this day, remains the most attachment-avoidant person I’ve ever met.

“Holy fuck,” I mumbled, made dreamy by ravishment. “Why was that so…good? We were on the phone.”

“People need connection,” he said simply. To my surprise, even he had known this, deep in some barely accessible part of his poor love-avoidant heart. And it had been a connection, an intense sexual communion that felt like something real had happened, even though nobody parts had been touched or even seen.

This private connection between lovers–This is why we fuck each other, even though there are plenty of promiscuous toys, pillows, and shower spouts that can do the job quite well. And, yes, it has to be fucking (of some sort) because other human interactions–a nice chat in the bank line, for example–just won’t do it.

Bearing witness to someone surrendering to their instincts–just being with them at the moment they lose themselves–is fucking powerful. And to find someone you trust enough to fall into that void with them, well, it’s a rare and beautiful gift.

On a less sublime level, I think it’s also about being present in the Now and existing in a state of Flow, where you are wholly consumed with what you are doing. These are purportedly optimal (and often needlessly Capitalized) states for achieving happiness, inner peace and well-being. (See also: Ekhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s Flow). The orgasm is, like, a bonus to what’s really going on.

Caitlin Moran describes this kind of focused-attention-on-another in her book How to Build a Girl about a teenage Brit who transforms herself into a badass music journalist/sexual adventurer:

“Here’s the amazing thing about sex: you get a whole person to yourself, for the first time since you were a baby. Someone who is looking at you–just you–and thinking about you, and wanting you…You are in a room with a closed door, and no one else can come through it….It seemed to me that this was the real reason people wanted to fuck so much. To get here. To get to this tiny, quiet place where there was nothing else to do but be with each other. Just to be two humans who had–for a short while–stopped wanting.”

That idea fits nicely with what I discovered when I looked on PornHub the other day for the Top Rated Video of All Time. It wasn’t “Bitch takes cum in her hair” or whatever I was expecting, but a sweet little clip of a sleepy, tousled-haired woman waking her lover up and giving him a blow job.

This top-rated video–OF ALL TIME!–showed two people portrayed as affectionate, familiar lovers happy to be waking up together in such a nice way. They weren’t over-the-top porn excited, but just enjoying the everyday-yet-so-amazing swollen pleasures of taking someone you like in your mouth and/or being taken thus. In the world of porn, this was maybe about the squarest, most vanilla thing ever. And yet it was the most loved…of all time! (For that one day, at least. Today, alas, I can’t re-find it. It has been replaced by “Hot blond maid having anal.” Top-redness is apparently fleeting. )

The point of all this being: sexual connection, in whatever form it takes, is something we all seek, including the millions of surreptitiously wanking users of Porn Hub on that particular day. Even my old friend, the dear attachment-avoidant boy, needed this intimacy, albeit from the distance that felt safe to him.

We all need to get this place, however we can–where you get to be two humans who have–for a short while–stopped wanting.

Go find your place.

xoxo
jill

5 Mind-Blowing Sex Positions for Multiple Orgasms

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Courtesy of Jill Hamilton
Flying V

Oral is a great way to try for multiple orgasms because it doesn’t require a penis-having partner to stay hard for aeons. Scoot your butt to the edge of the bed so your partner can kneel and get to work. This works best if you start with a gentle clit-only orgasm them move to a deep whole-V kind. For part one, gentle licks and sucks, for part two, they can slide a curved finger inside of you for a firm and steady internal stim while they continue with oral attention.

The Rag Doll

If you want/crave different stimulation within the same position, because multitasking, lie on your side with a pillow under your head. He kneels by your butt, a knee between your legs so he’s straddling your lower leg, and your upper leg goes over his thigh. Angle yourself to focus stimulation and if/when you have an orgasm, shift to another and try again. Options: rubbing yourself on his upper thigh, letting yourself go limp for P-in-V plus clit rub, anal plus vibrator, etc.

Bump and Grind

Trade off on thrusting duties to mix up the stimulation. Have your partner get on top a la missionary, then put your legs inside theirs and press them tightly together. Shift down a little so you can grind against the top of their shaft. You do all the moving — his job, if he can stand it, is not to come…yet. For round two, they lift themselves onto their hands so you can rub yourself as they thrust. Super sexy for all.

The Cup Holder

If you get super sensitive after an orgasm, a seated position is your friend. Sit on your partner’s lap facing away for orgasm #1. After, when you think you can’t take anymore, they gently cup your V with their whole hand. As your body parts calm down a little, they move up to slow rub with their whole hand. And so it begins again.

The Soft Parade

The clitoris extends way inside and around your vagina. The key to multiples is getting at it from different angles. For this, you need reinforcements. Start out solo — gather an arsenal of toys and take to your bed. Use your hand as a simple, and hopefully, starter, clitoral orgasm. Afterwards, try for another by sliding a dildo-style vibrator inside your vagina and pressing it against the top wall. If you can handle more, mix and match with butt plugs, clit vibrators, whatever you’ve got. Just make sure to lock the door.

Coursey of Jill Hamilton

Relationships

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brooks-1

We are all at the centre of a big network of relationships; with family, friends, acquaintances, teachers, pets, partners and all sorts of other people.

When they are healthy, these relationships help us to thrive. As well as helping us enjoy the good times, they see us through the bad times too, holding us like a safety net when we’re at risk of falling.

What all good relationships have in common is that they are based on respect, trust, and communication. That’s true whether it’s your relationship with your best friend, your teacher or your partner.

Most people have more than one romantic relationship during their life. Going out with different people helps you find out who you are compatible with and what you want from a relationship.

It’s also fine not to be in a relationship at all. Lots of people are single and many are single by choice. They aren’t interested in love or romance, and that’s totally fine.

The most important thing, if you do choose to be in a relationship with someone, is that it should be a positive experience. It won’t be perfect every day – all relationships go through ups and downs -but it should be fun and help you feel good about yourself.

Brook and Enduring Love?

Enduring Love? was a two year Open University research study which interviewed over 5,000 couples in long-term relationships. The researchers asked the couples about various aspects of their relationships and what made them endure and the results were fascinating.

Brook teamed up with Professor Jacqui Gabb, who headed up the study, to create the relationships section of the Brook site covering all aspects of relationships, based on the findings of the research.

This section aims to give advice and information that is based in reality. It is based on what real couples said – rather than the myths and stereotypes we are bombarded with through stories, films and songs about love and romance.

It’s true that relationships often start out with romance. You feel an amazing sense of togetherness, and the differences between you don’t seem to matter. Everything is perfect – it feels quite magical and ‘unreal’ – and in a way it is.

But for a relationship to last and endure, most couples will need to move from this magical place into a phase where their relationship can survive the reality of everyday life – and the reality of each other.

 

The Open University

About Enduring Love?
Professor Jacqui Gabb of the Open University, talks about the Enduring Love? research project and summarises what it uncovered.

Relationship myths
Relationships rely on flowers, chocolates, never arguing and having endless sex, right? WRONG! Read the top 8 myths busted by the Enduring Love? research project.

Looking for a relationship
From being happy in yourself, to taking the plunge if you meet someone; here’s our advice if you’re looking for a relationship.

Kindness
Research shows that the key to lasting relationships was less about grand gestures and more about everyday acts of kindness.

Communication
The Enduring Love? research project showed that communication can make or break a relationship. Read more about it here.

The truth about sex & intimacy
We’re surrounded by messages that tell us that sex is essential for a successful relationship. The Enduring Love? research showed this simply wasn’t the case.

Breaking up
Breaking up with someone is rarely easy but breakups are an inevitable part of relationships. Read our advice for dealing with them.

Arguments: what causes them?
Relationship experts say it’s impossible to be close to someone without arguing. Learn more about what causes them.

Dealing better with arguments
Experts on relationships say it’s impossible to be close to someone without sometimes arguing. But if its getting you down, here is some advice on dealing better with arguments.

Is arguing with your partner always a bad thing?
Here’s some advice from Relate, the UK’s largest provider of relationship counselling services.

Spending time together…and apart
It’s a myth that spending every moment together is key to a strong relationship. The Enduring Love? research showed time apart is as important.

Trust and jealousy
Trust creates a strong bond between people. Jealousy undermines trust and can drive people apart. Read more about each emotion, here.

I’ve been cheated on
It’s hard to say what cheating is, as it’s different for so many people. Read our guide to discussing it and dealing with it.

I’ve cheated
Cheating on someone you care about is a hurtful thing to do. But the reasons why it happens can be complicated.

Non-monogamous relationships
Learn more about non-monogamy which means having more than one partner, or having sex with other people as well.

Sex: what if you want different things?
When it comes to sex, what we want and enjoy can change over the course of a relationship and leave you out of sync. Read more about how to navigate this.

Recognising an abusive relationship: Sophie’s story
Sophie, 25, shares her experiences of being in an abusive relationship with her piece on ‘8 things I wish I’d known’.

Social media and relationships
Brook guest blogger Sophie, 25, muses on the topic of social media and whether it makes relationships easier or harder.

Things you only learn when you start a new relationship
Brook guest blogger Sophie, 25, shares her thoughts on starting a new relationship; the high, the lows and the meeting-of-the-family.

Abuse in relationships
Read about the signs that tell you you are in an abusive relationship.

Love: is it really all about putting someone else before you?
Our guest blogger Sophie, 25, shares her thoughts on love and what it really means to put someone else first.

Sex, relationships and your rights
Read about your rights and responsibilities when it comes to relationships and sex.
This article is by courtesy of Brook

How to Be Naughty and Sexy – Spice Up Your Love Life

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44 Amazing Sex Positions Every Married Couple Should Try To Spice Up Their Sex Life
Like many aspects of marriage, sex plays an integral part in the relationship. It goes beyond physical actions and acts as a form of communication and connection. An unhappy sex life can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage. One of the easiest and most pleasurable ways to keep your sex life active, exciting, and – most importantly – spicy is to keep things new. This can be done through various forms of foreplay, open communication about likes and dislikes, and a willingness to explore new positions. To help you explore your sex life and keep things spicy in (and out!) of the bedroom, this book offers a guide to 44 sexual positions ranging from the extremely intimate to adventurous and athletic.
Here is a list of types of positions you’ll learn in the book:
Intimacy Positions: For Those Needing to Rekindle Their Fire
Lying Down Positions: Finding New Ways to Make Horizontal Fun Memorable
Sitting and Kneeling Positions: You Don’t Have to Lie Down and Take It
Standing Positions: Who Said Sex Stays in the Bedroom?
Adventurous and Athletic Positions: For Those in Need of a Challenge
Your sex life may be suffering for a number of reasons – lack of intimacy, lack of variety, etc. – or it may be bountiful and just in need of a few ideas to jumpstart the bedroom adventures. Whatever the reason, these tips should offer the spice needed to kick start your love life to a whole new level.

10 ways to spice up your love life

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***Reinvigorate your sex life – Purchase this book today!***
Do you and your partner have the same boring sex over and over again? Do you have trouble achieving satisfaction? Do you wish you could recapture the zest your sex life had long ago? When you purchase Sex: The Ultimate Sex Guide That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life – 2nd Edition, your relationship can improve overnight! These fun and easy tips can transform your sexual routine into an exciting, rewarding experience. You’ll be proud to tell other couples that you and your partner are “very close”. Would you like to try something new? Do you want to achieve more stimulation? Do you need to address any problems in your sex life? Sex: The Ultimate Sex Guide That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life – 2nd Edition teaches you how men and women achieve climaxes. You’ll also learn how to change positions, try new ones, and create more friction. You’ll even learn how to cope with common problems couples have in the bedroom. Would you like to explore more with your partner? Do you want to try something different and new? Would you like to know what you can buy to enhance your mutual pleasure? This book helps you understand both male and female fantasies. You can even spice things up with some adult toys! Purchase Sex: The Ultimate Sex Guide That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life – 2nd Edition now and start enriching your most intimate relationship!

Spice Up Your Sex Life + Kegel Toys |Let’s Talk About Sex|

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Enjoy a Happier, Healthier, and More Satisfying Sex Life!
***Reinvigorate your sex life – Purchase this book today!***
Do you and your partner have the same boring sex over and over again? Do you have trouble achieving satisfaction? Do you wish you could recapture the zest your sex life had long ago? When you purchase Sex: The Ultimate Sex Guide That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life – 2nd Edition, your relationship can improve overnight! These fun and easy tips can transform your sexual routine into an exciting, rewarding experience. You’ll be proud to tell other couples that you and your partner are “very close”. Would you like to try something new? Do you want to achieve more stimulation? Do you need to address any problems in your sex life? Sex: The Ultimate Sex Guide That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life – 2nd Edition teaches you how men and women achieve climaxes. You’ll also learn how to change positions, try new ones, and create more friction. You’ll even learn how to cope with common problems couples have in the bedroom. Would you like to explore more with your partner? Do you want to try something different and new? Would you like to know what you can buy to enhance your mutual pleasure? This book helps you understand both male and female fantasies. You can even spice things up with some adult toys! Purchase Sex: The Ultimate Sex Guide That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life – 2nd Edition now and start enriching your most intimate relationship!

Spice Up Your Sex Life + Kegel Toys |Let’s Talk About Sex|

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The New York Times No.1 bestselling sex book from America’s No.1 sex and romance author

This is the book that got more than a million couples back in the bedroom, with rekindled passion, hot romance, and a whole bunch of new techniques. There are 50 Secret Seductions written for his eyes only and 50 for her including the steamy ‘Dangerous When Wet’ and the saucy ‘Wild Card’…seduction number 101? That’s for both of you. Save that one for last – it’s for experienced lovers only!

Now in a different format with brand new seductions especially for the UK market, this book guarantees ‘great sex twice a week, every week, for one full year!’ and all it takes is the commitment to play and GRRREAT SEX does the rest – from foolproof seduction tips to a list of ingredients (scarf, massage oil etc). What’s more, you’ll actually turn interesting, exhilarating, unpredictable sex into a habit, and not just a special event. This is the classic book that’s sold over a million copies; America’s bestselling sex book. What’s all the buzz about? Find out when you buy 101 NIGHTS OF GRRREAT SEX!

FailArmy’s Top Fails Breakdown || How To Spice Up Your Love Life

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This is the book that got more than a million couples back in the bedroom, with rekindled passion, hot romance, and a whole bunch of new techniques. There are 50 Secret Seductions written for his eyes only and 50 for her including the steamy ‘Dangerous When Wet’ and the saucy ‘Wild Card’…seduction number 101? That’s for both of you. Save that one for last – it’s for experienced lovers only!

Now in a different format with brand new seductions especially for the UK market, this book guarantees ‘great sex twice a week, every week, for one full year!’ and all it takes is the commitment to play and GRRREAT SEX does the rest – from foolproof seduction tips to a list of ingredients (scarf, massage oil etc). What’s more, you’ll actually turn interesting, exhilarating, unpredictable sex into a habit, and not just a special event. This is the classic book that’s sold over a million copies; America’s bestselling sex book. What’s all the buzz about? Find out when you buy 101 NIGHTS OF GRRREAT SEX!

Five ways to please your woman

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Five ways to please a woman in bed

Siski Green / 18 February 2016

Unsure what women want in bed? Find out five unique ways to give a woman a great orgasmic experience during sex.

Couple in bed
Read our tips for a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life

While each woman will enjoy sex in a different way there are some things guaranteed to give the woman you’re in bed with a great sexual experience.

Avoid her genitals

That may sound like bizarre advice but all too often men zone in on the genital region way too early.

You may hear a woman sing the sexual praises of a man who can pinpoint her clitoris with the tip of his tongue or one who just how to thrust but that won’t be the same for every woman – one thing that will be the same for every woman is that she’d love it if you spent time exploring her body fully, kissing, licking and touching everywhere, so that she is fully aroused when you finally target her vulva and clitoris.

Read our tips for having better sex.

Use your voice

Communicating your pleasure while you’re having sex, as well as a sexy, ‘Does that feel good?” or “Do you like that?” will do wonders for her sex experience. It not only gives her a good idea of what moves do it for you (which in itself enhances her own sex experience), it also means she has a way of letting you know when she really loves something you’re doing, or when it’s not really doing it for her.

Don’t be shy when it comes to showering her with compliments as you’re getting down to sex too – her breasts, the scent on her neck, her skin, her lips, her thighs, her waist, the feel of her vagina on your penis and so on. The more confident she feels when naked in bed with you, the sexier she’ll feel… which leads to more pleasure for both of you.

Read our tips for increasing your libido.

Indulge her

One of the main reasons women fail to reach orgasm during sex is because they feel ‘guilty’ for taking too long or for requiring so much effort. So rather than relax and let you take them to orgasm, they stress about taking too long and as a result don’t get to climax at all!

So make it easy for her by giving her no choice but to relax and enjoy it. Tell her that tonight is her night – you won’t orgasm or try to – you will simply spend your time exploring and stimulating her. Give her a full body massage to relax her physically and mentally first, then really take your time exploring her body and finding out what she enjoys most.

Once the pressure to hurry up is off, she may find it easier and quicker to reach orgasm.

Find out about women, ageing and sex – how it changes.

Try this handy position

Most women find it difficult to orgasm during penetrative sex but there’s a way around that – use your hands.

When you’re on top, slide your hand down between you (you’ll need to rest your bodyweight on your other elbow or arm, and angle yourself slightly to one side) and rub her clitoris as you thrust. As the clitoris is above the vaginal opening it sometimes doesn’t get directly stimulated during penetration and your hand can help fix that problem.

This is a great way to aim for a simultaneous orgasm too, which will make for a truly memorable experience.

Read our guide to getting started with sex toys.

Use some lube

While not all women will have problems with dryness, many do and even those that don’t – women in their 20s for example – will enjoy sex far more with lubrication.

Silicone-based lubricants make everything feel more sensuous because what might be uncomfortable rubbing is transformed into deliciously sexy sliding with a simple squeeze of a tube or bottle. Use it on her breasts first (see above regarding avoiding her genitals), and then on her genitals and yours.

– See more at: http://www.saga.co.uk/magazine/relationships/love-sex/5-ways-to-please-a-woman-in-bed#sthash.4A5TCeD4.dpuf