Is forgiving a cheating partner a sign of weakness? Tracey Cox reveals when to walk and when to work on your relationship

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Tess Daly’s husband was linked to another woman for the second time
The presenter has put on a brave face, but should we admire or pity her?
Relationship expert Tracey Cox gives you her take on when to forgive
By TRACEY COX FOR MAILONLINE

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As Tess Daly puts on a brave face during another alleged sex text scandal involving husband Vernon Kay, public opinion divides between those who admire her for ‘standing by her man’ and those who think she should dump the b*****d quick smart.
Is forgiving a cheating partner a sign of weakness or strength?
After all, both leaving someone you love and staying with someone you love who has hurt you are both difficult.
Is forgiving a cheating partner a sign of weakness or strength? Relationship expert Tracey Cox gives you her take on when to forgive infidelity and when to let the relationship go

Is forgiving a cheating partner a sign of weakness or strength? Relationship expert Tracey Cox gives you her take on when to forgive infidelity and when to let the relationship go
Here’s my take.
IT’S (PROBABLY) JUSTIFIED LOYALTY IF:
This is a first
The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour.
If you’ve been together for years and you have no doubts your partner has always been faithful up until now, it’s worth hanging around.
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How soon into the relationship it happens is also highly relevant. The earlier the infidelity, the less chance the couple have of making it.
Giving them another chance feels like the right thing to do.
Do you deserve better? Do your kids deserve better?
If your honest answer is, ‘My partner is worthy of us, he/she just made a horrible mistake’ your loyalty is probably deserved.
You can understand how and why it happened
Was the relationship going through a rough patch? Was your partner struggling with something like the death of a parent or another traumatic event?
If you were put in their situation, would you perhaps have done the same thing under the same circumstances?
I’m not suggesting cheating is ever justified – it isn’t – but it does help if you can at least understand how it happened and their explanation of why rings true?
Tracey Cox advises on how to move on infidelity

Tracey Cox advises on how to move on infidelity
You suspected something wasn’t quite right
You’re far more likely to forgive an affair if you were suspicious and your instincts told you something was going on.
The more confident you are that you would spot the signs if it happened again, the more likely you are to trust again.
This behaviour is uncharacteristic
If up until now (and in other areas of their life) they are trustworthy and reliable, it’s a good sign.
If you still think they’re a nice person and have your best interest at heart, giving it another chance is sensible.
Your friends and family think staying is the right thing to do
If your partner is well liked and people who know both of you are shocked by what’s happened and supportive in your decision to work through it, it’s a very good sign you’ve made the right choice stay.
They are clearly sorry about what they’ve done and feeling just as bad as you are about it all
They need to be obviously remorseful and prepared to do pretty much anything to make it up to you.
It’s the best thing for the children
Just make sure it is.
Staying together ‘no matter what’ for the kids isn’t always the best solution.
Growing up with parents who are locked in a toxic, destructive relationship is not a pleasant environment in which to start life.
Children are sponges: they watch and see far more than you realise and their future relationships are strongly influenced by how they see their parents relating.
Having two happy parents who live separately is preferable to two parents who live together but clearly can’t stand each other.
They’re willing to get counselling
I’d strongly recommend any couple battling the aftermath of a messy, soul-destroying infidelity (and aren’t they all?) to visit a therapist together, even if it’s just for a few sessions.
Being able to battle it out in a safe environment with someone unbiased who can guide you through it, is critical to how quickly and how well you get through this.
If your partner refuses to even consider the idea, it’s often because they’re worried they’ll slip up about other infidelities you don’t know about.
Or they simply don’t care if you stay together or split.
Staying together ‘no matter what’ for the kids isn’t always the best solution
You’re strong enough to fend off the criticism
Lots of people who will think your decision to stay condones cheating and sends a bad example to others.
It’s totally dependent on your individual situation but, even so, be prepared to either defend yourself or make it clear it’s no-one else’s business.
You’re convinced it’s over or won’t happen again
This seems obvious but you’d be surprised at the amount of people who give their partner another chance without really knowing they’ve stopped contact with the person they cheated with.
Or continue to let them associate with the same friends or colleagues who led them by the hand into the path of temptation and encouraged it.
It hurts but you’re confident you can eventually move past it
Do you secretly think forgiving them means ‘they’ve got away with it’?
If you intend to make them pay for what they’ve done every single day you’re together, what is the point?
You’re willing to learn from it
Therapists say one of the best questions to ask afterward is ‘What did you like about yourself during the affair?’
An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it. It gives you a rosy glow to the way you see yourself.
A marriage or long-term relationship is more like a make-up mirror that magnifies every little flaw.
Relationships do survive infidelity – especially if it acts as a wake up call and forces you to address long-standing issues you’ve both been ignoring.
IT’S UTTER MADNESS IF:
Pretty much every partner you’ve had, has cheated on you
If all your partners cheat, you need therapy not yet another partner who treats you badly.
One partner cheating is a mistake, choosing partners who are always unfaithful is a relationship pattern that means (at best) you have low self-esteem or (at worst) are battling more serious issues.
Get help (itsgoodtotalk.org.uk or relate.org.uk)
They have a history of cheating with other partners
If they’ve cheated on every person they’ve been out with – and nothing’s changed in their life to make them rethink their behaviour, it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll do the same to you.
This isn’t the first time they’ve cheated on you
Spur-of-the-moment no-strings-sex may represent nothing more than opportunism, fuelled by one too many drinks.
But it still breaks the trust bond and, if discovered, has the power to destroy a 20-year relationship in one second flat.
Infidelity is incredibly painful to recover from.
If you have forgiven your partner before and endured the long, painful process of learning to trust them again, them cheating a second (third, fourth) time sends a clear signal: your feelings aren’t that important to me.
It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you if they cheat but it does mean they don’t respect you and have a different value system.
Tracey Cox shares her thoughts on forgiving a cheating partner

Tracey warns: ‘If all your partners cheat, you need therapy not yet another partner who treats you badly’

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Tracey warns: ‘If all your partners cheat, you need therapy not yet another partner who treats you badly’
They refuse to admit to an infidelity when there’s irrefutable proof
An unsupported accusation may well be just that: rumours or suspicion.
But if you have solid proof your partner cheated and they’re still lying to you, why would you believe anything else they say?
They don’t have a good reason for doing it
You were getting on well, everything was fine in their life and they can’t even come up with a plausible reason other than ‘It just happened’ or ‘I was drunk’?
You’re staying? Really?
They lie about other things as well – and are convincing
Honesty is the basis of most good relationships and being lied to is often what people find the hardest to come to grips with after an infidelity.
‘I can understand she wanted novelty sexually and have made peace with that, ‘ said one man whose wife had a three-month-affair.
‘But I can’t forgive that she blatantly and consistently lied to my face about where she was and who she was with. She was so believable, how can I ever trust her again?’
If you honestly don’t think you’d know if your partner did it to you again, why would you stay?
You struggle with trust issues or jealousy
Everyone struggles after finding out someone they trusted has done the dirty on them.
But if you are prone to jealousy or have real issues trusting (you’ve been burned before, parents had an affair) it’s going to be doubly difficult for you and it’s unlikely the trust bond can be repaired.
Absolutely no-one supports your decision to give them another chance.
If there’s even a tiny amount of logic to you forgiving, you’d have at least one person on your side.
See reason – walk.
For more of Tracey’s views, products and books on sex and relationships, visit traceycox.com
To find a good therapist visit (itsgoodtotalk.org.uk or relate.org.uk

Do YOU struggle to orgasm?

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Many wrongfully assume the ability to orgasm is within a person’s control
Scientists discovered whether a person can orgasm depends on anatomy
For men, it depends on the ‘reflex loop’ in their penis, brain and spinal cord
Spinal cord injuries or neurotransmitter problems can affect this loop
For women, it depends on the migration of their clitoris during sex
The closer the clitoris gets to the vaginal wall, the more likely the orgasm
By LISA RYAN FOR DAILYMAIL.COM
PUBLISHED: 21:28, 5 April 2016 | UPDATED: 14:05, 6 April 2016
A common misconception is that the ability to orgasm is within a person’s control – dependent upon their confidence, sexual openness or ability to trust.
Furthermore, many people also suggest that it is the size of a penis or the sexual prowess of a partner that determines whether climax will be reached during intercourse.
And so, people who struggle to orgasm often feel as if it is their own fault.
But, scientists discovered that a person’s ability to reach orgasm is largely dependent upon their own anatomy – and as such, is beyond their control.
For men, the signals between their brain, spinal cord and penis must be functioning properly.
And for women, the migration of their clitoris during sex dictates whether they can orgasm.
Study author Dr Jason Siegel, of Mayo Clinic, told Daily Mail Online: ‘This gives us a more scientific and anatomical basis for why people aren’t achieving orgasm than just the societal feelings of penis size or G-spot placement.’
Scientists discovered that the male ability to orgasm depends on signals between the penis, brain and spinal cord – and that disruptions to those signals can affect erection and ejaculation – and that the female orgasm is largely dependent upon the migration of the clitoris during sex, as well as the angle of penile entry
Scientists discovered that the male ability to orgasm depends on signals between the penis, brain and spinal cord – and that disruptions to those signals can affect erection and ejaculation – and that the female orgasm is largely dependent upon the migration of the clitoris during sex, as well as the angle of penile entry
A team of scientists from Mayo Clinic and the Indiana University School of Medicine analyzed previous studies about sexual- and neuro-anatomy to see if inherited factors play a role in orgasm.
Dr Siegel said: ‘When it comes to male anatomy, people really focus on penis size, but that seems to be more anecdotal.’

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Instead, the scientists found that a man’s ability to orgasm is largely reliant upon his nervous system.
There must be a proper balance between the parasympathetic nervous system – which controls the body at rest – and the sympathetic nervous system, which controls the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response.
In other words, the performance of a man’s penis rests on a reflex loop, Dr Siegel explained.
If we start identifying different reasons people aren’t achieving orgasms, that can give patients a little more hope that if they bring it up to their doctor, they can be diagnosed and helped
Dr Jason Siegel, of Mayo Clinic
At the top of the loop, sensory information is processed either in the spinal cord or brain, and then received by the penis.
And then, at the other end of the loop, the spinal cord or brain tells the penis what to do next.
The scientists found that the reflex loops stem from two branches.
On the one hand is the psychological branch – which is what happens when a male views pornography or is visually stimulated.
And the second branch is more physical – the direct stimulation of the penis.
Dr Siegel said: ‘Of the two that fail most, it’s usually the psychological type.’
Spinal cord injuries can affect the reflex loop – preventing men from receiving the signals that would allow them to otherwise achieve orgasm.
Similarly, psychological problems in the brain – such as neurochemical variations from depression – make it more difficult for that reflex to occur as well.
The discovery provides a more scientific explanation for why certain people have difficulty to orgasm – and scientists hope the finding encourages people struggling to orgasm to seek medical attention

The discovery provides a more scientific explanation for why certain people have difficulty to orgasm – and scientists hope the finding encourages people struggling to orgasm to seek medical attention
MRI scans show woman’s brain fully activating during orgasm

For men suffering from problems with erections, they should see a doctor to determine whether they are suffering from psychological or physical roadblocks, the scientists suggested.
The study, published in the journal Clinical Anatomy, also found that for women, the experience of orgasm is ‘far more complicated.’
Previous studies tried looking under a microscope in the vaginal wall to see if there’s a uniform position of nerve bundles, but the findings were largely ‘inconsistent.’
WHICH POSITIONS MAXIMIZE THE CHANCE OF FEMALE ORGASM?
Study author Dr Jason Siegel, of Mayo Clinic, told Daily Mail Online contrary to popular belief the best positions to ensure female orgasm involve front entry of the penis, rather than rear entry.
The position commonly known as ‘doggy style’ was not found to stimulate the vaginal wall as much as other positions.
Researchers noted the results from MRI scans of couples having sex.
Rather, women were more likely to experience vaginal stimulation in the ‘missionary’ and ‘cowgirl’ positions (where the woman is on top).
Dr Siegel said: ‘If a woman is trying to achieve a vaginal orgasm, it seems like it tends to be more successful if the front wall of the vagina is more stimulated.’

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Dr Siegel said: ‘What’s more consistent is that the clitoris during sex tends to migrate up toward the vaginal wall.’
The closer the clitoris gets to the vaginal walls during sex, the more likely a woman is to achieve orgasmic success.
The researchers noted that MRIs of couples having sex, taken during a European study, found that different sexual positions can stimulate the vaginal walls in different ways.
For instance, male rear entrance – more commonly known as ‘doggy style’ – was not found to stimulate the vaginal wall as much as front entrance – from positions such as ‘missionary’ or ‘cowgirl’.
And, the most ideal angle of penis entry for vaginal wall stimulation was found to be 30 to 45 degrees.
‘If a woman is trying to achieve a vaginal orgasm, it seems like it tends to be more successful if the front wall of the vagina is more stimulated,’ Dr Siegel said.
The study didn’t delve into potential therapies for these anatomical differences – but instead sought to shed light on different components that can affect a patient’s ability to orgasm.
‘It gives us a more accurate picture of why people aren’t enjoying sexual intercourse in a way that we want,’ Dr Siegel said.
‘If we start identifying different reasons people aren’t achieving orgasms, that can give patients a little more hope that if they bring it up to their doctor, they can be diagnosed and helped.’

 

thekaylamovement Bikini Body Guide: Time to reveal results

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I’ve been dreading this week. Not because it’s the last week of BBG 1.0. I’m pretty pumped we’ve come to the 12th week, keeping up with months of push-ups and burpees as best we can. And also keeping up with multiple loads of laundry after all these exercise sessions.

This week, or today specifically, causes dread because our editor asked for something that I just very conveniently decided to forget about. She wants a before-and-after bikini body shot. I would rather take some shots instead. Anyone got some tequila handy?

But I committed to BBG and I committed to blogging these 12 weeks. I didn’t care about sharing sweaty selfies or other less than flattering pictures.

Why should I start caring now? Because I still feel self-conscious about baring my body and soul on the internet.

For my bikini body selfies, I picked a bathing suit I thought was super cute, but not all that flattering. I really did not want to throw that back on for my week 11 BBG selfie. I’d rather show you my ultra-flattering black bikini. But that wouldn’t be a fair comparison. And I have a rather good sense of what’s fair, even if it’s to my own detriment.

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So here we are. A January 2016 selfie on the left: Body by Christmas buffets and lots of bubbles. Now on the right? A March 2016 selfie, after 11 weeks of BBG.

Unflattering bikini aside, I see some ab definition and better posture. Success! I can’t believe there is ab definition there, seeing as I still struggle through ab workouts, often ended up with a thud on the floor after one rep.

I’m trying to be more empathetic with myself. I’m over 30. I don’t have the metabolism of a twenty-something, and I know my body is going to change much more slowly than someone younger than me. But I’m happy with slow progress. It’s more sustainable. And if I keep going, maybe I will look like a twenty-something again.

For all of you have that come this far in your BBG workouts, I hope you will appreciate what ever [muscle] gains you’ve achieved. Even slow progress is progress, and that is something worth celebrating.

Tessa

I’ve reached the point where I don’t care what others think of what I’ve achieved. Photos / Supplied
I’ve reached the point where I don’t care what others think of what I’ve achieved. Photos / Supplied
This is it. The final week. Week twelve. I can’t believe Tina and I have made it this far. Twelve weeks of grueling yet somewhat enjoyable challenges that pushed me beyond what I ever thought I could do. Sure, I’m excited about this. Anyone who has completed, is currently completing, or is even thinking about completing Kayla’s BBG would be excited to see the final results.

This encompasses every other nosy person (including myself) who is interested in seeing those results. Because 1. We like to motivate ourselves by others’ success and improvements, and 2. Everyone kind of wants to see how fat you were prior to completing your transformation.

This is the part for Tina and I, where the excitement dwindles. Because I have to show you all what my body looked like before, and what it looks like after. Kind of nerve racking, I won’t lie, it’s not every day that pictures of you in your underwear get posted to one of the nation’s biggest news platforms.

And it’s not every day that there two photos up for everyone geez at and compare how slim my hips have gotten or how much fat I’ve lost off my belly.

When it comes to your judgment or praise, I couldn’t really care less. Getting through these twelve weeks has been the biggest accomplishment, regardless of how defined my abs are now compared to twelve weeks earlier.

More than just the physical accomplishment is the mental achievement. It’s about how I’ve learned to push through the fact that I felt too tired to go and complete a workout, but I went and did it anyway.

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It’s about how I’ve learned to change my diet so that I eat cleaner and healthier, in moderation of course – because who doesn’t love a McDonald’s combo every now and then? It’s about being healthier and happier as a whole, rather than just looking in the mirror and analysing my progress every day.

So feel free to judge and sit in awe of how I, Tessa Stockdale, managed to drag my sorry butt through twelve weeks of exercise and clean eating to get to where I am now.

To all others at the start, in the middle, or near the end of the guide – keep going. You can do it. You will do it. But just remember that the final image at the end isn’t everything. In the least cliché way possible, it’s about the journey that got you there.

– nzherald.co.nz

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The Surprising Sex Questions of a Straight Guy Dating a Transgender Woman

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By Lane Moore
Mar 22, 2016
On a recent Savage Lovecast episode, a 26-year-old guy who identifies as cisgender and straight called Dan Savage and told him he’d been dating a transgender woman, and while her penis didn’t bother him and he was “attracted to her naked or clothed or what have you,” he didn’t enjoy sucking her dick and wanted to know if that made him a bad person or if it made him “innately transphobic.”

The man said he’s always gone down on his partners in the past, but when he and his current partner fooled around, he found he didn’t like “sucking penis” and wasn’t sure how to bring it up to her or if he should just make himself do it anyway.

Savage replied to his query by telling him that the person he needed to communicate all these complicated questions to was his partner. Savage said that some transgender women he’s known have felt it was really important to have their partners “love and appreciate” their genitalia, but other transgender women felt that if a partner was too focused on their penis, that maybe they were just there for “the dick” and only wanted to be with a penis that was attached to “something that presents female otherwise because he’s a cock-hound.”

Savage closes by saying that the guy’s lack of interest in going down on her doesn’t necessarily make him a bad transgender ally, but recommends that he have this conversation with his current partner to see how she feels and go from there.

You can listen to the whole podcast here.

‘Take a photo with a flash before you leave the house’: Red-faced Ferne McCann cringes after accidentally flashing her perky posterior in a completely sheer gown Read more:

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Ferne McCann proved once an Essex girl always an Essex girl as she left the star-studded guestlist in the shade on attending the London premiere of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice on Tuesday evening.
The former TOWIE star left little to the imagination as she slipped her svelte form into a rather risque little black dress which ensured she garnered more than a few double-takes.
Ferne, 25, refused to let the less than tropical temperatures deter from her racy outfit choice as she owned her look on arrival to the red carpet outside the Leicester Square branch of Odeon cinemas.
Scroll down for video
‘Perhaps take a photo with a flash before you leave the house’: Ferne McCann was left red-faced on Wednesday morning when she realised her entire dress was see-through at the Batman v Superman premiere
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‘Perhaps take a photo with a flash before you leave the house’: Ferne McCann was left red-faced on Wednesday morning when she realised her entire dress was see-through at the Batman v Superman premiere
Sheer bravery: The former reality star, 25, left little to the imagination as she rocked the red carpet in London’s Leicester Square on Tuesday evening

Sheer bravery: The former reality star, 25, left little to the imagination as she rocked the red carpet in London’s Leicester Square on Tuesday evening

Sheer bravery: The former reality star, 25, left little to the imagination as she rocked the red carpet in London’s Leicester Square on Tuesday evening
But the following morning, the I’m A Celebrity star was left cringing after realising her gown was completely see-through under the glare of the camera flash.
Posting a snap on her Instagram page on Wednesday morning, Ferne wrote: ‘BatmanVSSuperman DawnOfJustice Prem last night.

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The This Morning presenter was a vision of confidence in the barely-there number which was maxi in length and featured a sizable opening, exposing a generous eyeful of her long, lean legs.
She also offered onlookers a look at her perky posterior which was clad in only a teeny-tiny thong.
That wasn’t all as Ferne also braved going braless in the plunging number which left her showing off more than she bargained for as her nipples were seen poking out from beneath the thin fabric.
Ferne McCann wears plunging gown to Batman v Superman premiere

All eyes on me: Ferne, 25, upped the sex appeal as she made quite the entrance onto the red carpet outside the Odeon in Leicester Square

All eyes on me: Ferne, 25, upped the sex appeal as she made quite the entrance onto the red carpet outside the Odeon in Leicester Square

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Hillary Clinton: “We Can Be Strong and Smart Without Advocating Torture or Bigotry”

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While Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump was spreading frightening, anti-Muslim rhetoric on TV in response to the deadly Brussels attacks, Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning to call for a more measured response. She gave the interviews before ISIS claimed responsibility for the explosions that the New York Times reports have killed at least 30 and wounded more than two hundred.

The Real Reason We Close Our Eyes When We Kiss

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Ever wonder why you close your eyes whenever you lean in for a kiss? Or why it’s considered such bad form to sneakily open your eyes mid-makeout?

A study featured on The Debrief sets the record straight. According to psychologists Polly Dalton and Sandra Murphy, whose research was published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance, it’s really, really hard for our brain to focus on our other senses if we’ve got any visual stimuli to distract us. As a result, we need to close our eyes when we kiss so we can actually enjoy how it feels physically.

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Dalton and Murphy discovered this by asking a group of participants to do different letter-searching tasks. While they did this, a small vibration was applied to their hands.

The researchers found that when the participants were doing trickier letter-searching tasks, they didn’t feel the vibrations as strongly because their eyes were busier and their brains were focused on that.

So when we kiss, it’s the same deal. It just won’t feel as good with your eyes roaming about and getting distracted from the other sensations. (Plus, it’s a little creepy to stare at someone the entire time you’re making out, anyway.)

From: Cosmopolitan UK